Friday, January 21, 2011

Rainy Day and Real Life

It's just another beautiful dreary day.... and so is my mood. Dreary yet beautiful. It's raining and grey outside. Everyone is at church but me. Or so I feel. But the rain is so beautiful, creating ripples on the puddles, washing my car so I don't have to, and it's watering the plants. It's so refreshing to think the first time it ever rained, no one knew what it was, except God and Noah. Yet no one was prepared, except God and Noah. When one realizes the power behind a good rain, how can you hate it? It's necessary for growth and cleansing.

Being real means, the glass is not always half full. While I do see the silver lining (coming soon) I do believe in letting out frustration. So here it is.
The Beginning
I had just walked in the door earlier this morning from CVS, picking up her breathing treatments and Prevacid (for reflux). Lake runs up to me saying, very loudly, "Mommy, Lennon spit up all in your bed and in my room!" There's my Charlie, hauling our quilt to the laundry room. Adding to the out of control pile of laundry. Just another day around the Davidson home.
15 Minutes Later
Since Lake was looking at me when I almost threw my shoe through the window, out of annoyance, I opted for a childish throwing of my hands down by my side and grunting, "Grrrr!!" and taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Then I calmly cleaned up the mess... by mess, I mean, Lennon's spit up. I mean, let's get real... is it really spit up if it's projectile and 1/3 of her bottle every time? I had just finished getting her dressed for church this morning and I as soon as I put her down, there it came... bibs are a thing of the past... it is projectile so it bypasses the bib and lands in her lap, on her shirt/dress, on (and in) her shoes, her pants/tights, socks, then she crawls through it, getting it on her hands and then eventually in her hair. I changed her clothes and gave her a second full body sponge bath, (because this was the second time she had "spit" up) put a cute new outfit on her again... before I could even put her down, there it came, this time all over me too. Tears welled up in my eyes, she started crying because I am sure it burns her nose. Lake is looking at me as if, "What is mommy gonna do now?" So, I just threw my hands up and said, "OK, well let's take this off too... Lennon and I are not going to church... let's get you some breakfast and down to take a nap, baby girl."
Not many encouraging words:
I have spoken to a few DS moms and they say "nothing cures it, she will grow out of it but some meds do help". Help they do. I have seen the after mass of missing a single dose and well folks, it ain't pretty. It ain't pretty at all.
The Silver Lining:
I wish I had some profound something to say at this moment but I do not. However, I do look for the silver lining in every tough situation... of course this is after I throw my childish tantrums. Baby girl is doing so well. Beating so many odds, passing so many milestones. She is crawling around so fast... like a puppy she follows me around, grinning her swollen gums at me as if beckoning me to smooch those chubby cheeks... And smooch 'em I do. Her cute little white shiny specks of teeth poking through those bottom gums make me giggle. She chews on everything and anything, including Lake's pants leg. I hear her panting, I see her tongue wagging out, with a grin the size of Texas as she chases me around the den .. It makes me laugh so hard. Her giggle, well it hurls me over the edge of what little sanity I have left, into euphoria. I love it. I love it to the core. How can you be mad at her when she is so cuddly? How can you be mad at a situation when you know it's temporary? I would rather her puke her food all over me every day, than go back to her not eating or worse, feeding tubes and IVs. At least she is eating! I would rather her pull out every item in every cabinet, than have her idle on the carpet, not crawling, not walking, not opening cabinets or drawers. At least she is moving! At least she is curious!
I love that she knows how to turn the light switch off as I hold her and say, "Time to go night night," and walk over to the switch to cut out the lights.
She is healthy. I don't care if we are doing breathing treatments AGAIN... because we had a whole month of wellness! That whole month was bliss! 1.5 weeks was the longest we had ever been with out antibiotics... she went almost 2 months and still isn't taking them! I will dance a jig right now for that alone! So what if she's snotty nosed and running low fever every now and then. Heck, we all do that. At least she is not laid up in a hospital bed. I thank God for that.
Yeah, I have a snotty nosed projectile spitter-upper.
In the words of my 4 year old son, "I just deal with it."
That's life.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dream A Little Dream

"Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn. I need to know who and what I am. This hunger jolts me from complacency. It rocks me, it makes me meet myself. Jacob walked a limp to remind him, of the Greater Gift of the Greater One. But when I fell, I fell to my own resources. How can I carry the truth if I can't crawl to You?" - Closer to Myself by Kendall Payne

Sometimes, I like old songs that remind me of where I once was and where I came from. Sometimes, I need old songs to do that again. I am a "lyrics" person. Lyrics can completely revolutionize me.

Sunday started great. We had a little bit of snow and sleet, church was cancelled, and my car was still sitting at Cheddar's from the day before. The battery died while I was at lunch with the girls on Saturday and Charlie was out of town. So yesterday, we drove up to Cheddar's to jump-it-off and bring the sick sad SUV home. Lennon had a doozie of a day. Not sure what was going on with her but she did not want to sleep all day. Just cry... and scream. She had 100.2 fever two days in a row. All that screaming, well, it makes for not a fun day. Anyways, by nightfall, she was fast asleep, so my Booger, Charlie and I popped some corn and plopped on the couch all snuggled together to watch "A Bug's Life". I love these times, where Lake gets our undivided attention. He is so deserving. He fills my heart to brim!

After the movie, I fixed Lennon a bottle and headed to my bug's room. There in the dark, I scooped her quietly into my arms, so's not to wake her. I sat gently into the rocking chair and fed her a bottle. She drank until it was empty and then I propped her sleeping body up on my chest to burp her. The only thing I heard was the sound of sleet lightly tapping the window and the creaking of the rocking chair as she gently kneaded my skin with her tiny fingers, putting herself back into a deep slumber. It's moments like that that make me cry. So silly, I know. I sat there rocking with with my eyes squeezed so tightly, fighting the tears from falling on her face. Her warm baby soft face was pressed against mine and I smell the sweet lavender on her skin. I cried because I am overwhelmed with love. I just cannot contain this love for her. It overtakes me every time. So I sat rocking for a long while. I didn't want it to end but I was sleepy.

Last night, I repeated the above feeding, as it is a ritual I enjoyed even through Lake's infancy. Then, I joined my Charlie and headed off to sleepy land. There, in sleepy land, I had a dream. A revelation about myself. I dare myself to speak the dream, but I feel it had a significant meaning if I really dig deep. So many times in scripture did God give his people dreams. It was His way of speaking to them and teaching or even warning them. I believe He does the same to us. We have to be open and ready to receive what He wants to tell us. How blessed are we that He cares that much?!

In my dream, I was looking at a fresh cut starting to scar on my stomach. I remembered I had a surgery to have my "tubes tied" so that I could not have more children. I looked up from my hospital bed and saw my mother. She was also there on a hospital bed. I remembered something about a cancer being removed. She looked very tired but hopeful. I was scared as she told me, "The doctors think they got it all out." At that moment, Sarah Palin came in the room and told me that my surgery went well and everything should be fine. I was confused, was she the Dr? She also told me very nonchalantly, "The cancer has also been removed, and we are hopeful about your recovery." I explained to her she must be talking about my mother in error, and I pointed to my mom, but she was very stern in her reply. "NO, you are the one who had the cancer." I was stunned to silence. I could not fathom what kind of cancer I had. Or why I would have had it? I wanted to see my children, my husband... where were they? I was starting to panic but my mom told me I should rest while I could. So I did. Then I woke up to Lennon crying on her baby monitor. I didn't have a lot of time to analyze the dream because I had to get up and help her back to sleep. So this morning, the dream is still in my thoughts.

I feel like God is trying to tell me something about myself. Not about a deadly "cancer", but that the cancer in my dream symbolized something unpleasant in my life that needed to be removed. Once it is removed, it is going to leave a scar, but the scar would be a constant reminder to me of where I once was. It would also remind me that I had a purpose on this journey and to always look ahead, but be thankful for the past. I feel like Sarah Palin was there in my dream as a symbol of a strong woman, facing the fears of Down Syndrome telling me it was going to be alright. I also feel she was there because this journey has a lot to do with Down Syndrome. As for my mom... I believe she was there as a reminder of my insecurities. Unless you know me or my past or my childhood, that won't make much sense... and I am not going into that on here. Not now. But I do have a lot of insecurities that I believe stem from my childhood. Heck, I think we all do if we're honest.

So as I sit here typing, tears are falling down my face. I don't really know why. Maybe I am once again overwhelmed. Maybe it is the fear of the future. Maybe it is the realization of the future. I have never been one to demand attention. I do not like to be the center or to be pointed out, whether it is for good or bad. I just don't like it. I never was a dancer, or a cheerleader, or the star of any team or play. I liked being in the background, just being there. It was safe there. No one could judge you, or critique you if you didn't put yourself out there. But now, I feel like I have to. There He is, inside me, inside my heart, pushing me, pushing the envelope. It scares me to death. I pray for His will and for my insecurities to vanish. I know they will... eventually. As long as I continue to push myself. It is not going to be easy, but I can do it.

I don't have any other choice.

Monday, January 3, 2011

In a Nut Shell

2010 : In A Nutshell
On 1/1/10 I started the year off with a bang... an all-girls trip to one of the (hands down) greatest places on this earth, Canton, TX... Trade Days Flea Market! I was almost 7 months pregnant and that trip landed me on bed rest by 1/6/2010. From that point, I kept it simple ... just me and my boy taking it easy for a few months. I taught him to paint, a past time I know he loves and will never forget even when I am long gone, he will remember the painting. March 23rd - My favorite big boy turned the big 4! Still so amazed at how grown he is. He is the reason I am a momma and all is right in this world. Then on March 24, God opened the heavens and down came the flood of His love on our lives once again... this time, just a wee bit different than the last. I never knew a special need would be like this. So wonderful, so fun and oh so challenging... I have grown a thicker skin. And now, where we are on this journey, I would never have guessed that it would fit my life like a glove. But it does. It's just perfect. She is just perfect. I am sure it was different for her at first too... she probably thought she was getting into a normal family. I guess the joke was on her! Just a measly 5 weeks later, that same little drop of heaven had her chest split wide open while a stranger held her heart in his hands, literally, open heart surgery. And again, my skin got even a little bit thicker and the hole in my heart got a bit smaller (metaphorically speaking). By mid-summer we owed it to our big boy for all his patience ... we took him to Gulf Shores. He rode his first (and probably last) roller coaster. In August, my hard working husband took me to Cancun - a much needed vacay from life. By October, I saw yet another birthday - 33! And while I was secretly convinced I would never live to see that age, I did. Now, onto many more ages! I took another all girls trip to Dallas to celebrate friends and aging well. Thanksgiving brought us to Chattanooga, TN where we visited with family and I reconnected with an old friend, and Lake made a new one. Since then, old friends have moved back to town, and I have quit my job to pursue motherhood to the fullest and to tap into creativity - see if I can actually make a living while living in a small town.

2011: The Plan
Part One - I'd be lying if I said I haven't been lazy. Partly due to catching flu and partly due to sheer exhaustion from the holidays. I am giving myself until the end of the week to end the madness and get on the ball. By "ball" I mean, lose this weight. It's part post baby weight and part fattest of fat. I mean really, it's just not cool to have a sack of meat hang off your body while you carry it around everywhere. At some point, it's got to go. Put down the sack meat and back away slowly... no, run... run like h*ll from the sack meat. I want to do it for me. I want to be that MILF I feel in my heart I am... I want to do it for Charlie. I want him to be so proud of his arm candy. I want to do it for my children. I want them to be proud of their pretty and healthy mom... an example of health is the best way to teach them.

Part Two - I am done with saying I am going to read more of the Word. I am going to do it. I always says this and I always feel I am setting myself up for failure, but honestly, I am a failure if I think I can go through this journey He has put me on and come out on top without diving deep at all. My children will reap the benefits, my husband will reap and Lord knows I will reap and He will reap and golly we all might reap a little blessing from me diving deep and learning a little more about Him and His ways and His path for my life.

Part Three - Creativity ... stop letting my fears of finance stop me from doing what I want. I saw a chair on the street the other day and I wanted to by it, redo it and sell it. It was GORGEOUS. I may have to go back tomorrow. I know it won't be there and I might cry a little. I love old furniture redone... It just rocks my socks off.

Part Four - Painting my house... indoors. Lake's room, needs to be finished. Lennon's room is done (minus curtains). The Den and Kitchen and Dining Room - I want to paint it white. White, and the trim too ... but gosh at the wall space... $$ and beyond more than I can handle doing on my own. I might have to do a wall a month. I also want to replace or redo all the fixtures. Can we say "out-dated"? Very good, class.

Part Five - BE A BETTER WIFE, and Mommy. Meaning, actually keep the house clean on a regular basis and the laundry and dreaded dishes too. Oh I loathe you dishes. As they sit right now, food crusting as I type, just waiting for me... screaming my name... I. Hate. Dishes. I would LIVE on paper plates if possible.

Part Six - Be a better sister, aunt, friend, daughter ... spend less time in front of the tube, more time calling and dropping by. My youngest sister and my oldest (younger than me) brother are each expecting babies this year! And my other sister (older of the two younger) is trying to be expecting... so the Dollar Clan will grow! NOTHING gets me all giddy in the tickler than thinking about Lake and Nora and Lennon and soon to be niece, Adleigh Jane, and the other soon to be baby Dollar (please God let it be a boy!) getting to know one another, growing up as not only cousins but good friends. I mean, long after we are gone, they will have each other to carry on our crazy antics and stories and silly ridiculousness and tales of Mamaw's "Back to Nature" Christmas. I know we all have moved away at one point and I believe God brought us all back. We need each other and our spawns need each other. God is so good when it comes to showing you how much family means. I have always been close to my cousins, but I know we could have been closer.... also if maybe just ONE of them had been a female... that might have helped.

Lennon's 1st birthday... I am almost overwhelmed at where to begin. March is such a windy wet month and I want to have it outside. I know what I need to do and I am going to get on the ball doing it... starting next week. Yeah, that's a good place to start...I will stick it right there, along side all the other things I want to start "next week".

Anyways... lots on my mind and not much of a good read, but, there. I did it. I put it out there and now I have to follow through! Yikes.