Friday, May 6, 2011

Feelings

Enamour - Verb (used with object)

1. to fill or inflame with love (usually used in the passive and followed by of or sometimes with):

to be enamored of acertain lady; a brilliant woman with whom he became enamored.

2. to charm or captivate.

I am completely enamoured with my son, Lake. His heart, his smile, his passion, his silliness, the way he loves Lennon, the compliments he gives his mommy, the way he looks at his daddy with such pride in his eyes. He outshines even the brightest stars. He warms my heart so. Today, I went to "Muffins with Mom" at his school. I am pleased to announce my muffin top was not a major topic. I did eat ONE blueberry muffin, and Lake had one, as well… In which he followed up with, "This muffin is delicious" …because he's really 50 years old. I heart the moments I get to spend just he and I because they are so few and far between. He made me a pretty little Mother's Day gift, in which his teachers' passed out at breakfast. LOVE! Also, he answered two questions about his mommy: 1) What is something you and your mommy like to do together? Play Legos! 2) What is something you and your mommy like to eat together? Crescent Rolls with Nutella inside! Couldn't you just eat him alive?! Precious little monkey. And now, a scripture: (clears throat)

Psalm 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward.

com·fort·a·ble

Adjective

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1.

(of clothing, furniture, etc.) producing or affording physical comfort, support, or ease:

a comfortable chair; comfortable shoes.

2.

being in a state of physical or mental comfort; contented and undisturbed; at ease:

to be comfortable in new shoes; Idon't feel comfortable in the same room with her.

3.

(of a person, situation, etc.) producing mental comfort or ease;

easy to accommodate oneself to or associate with: She's a comfortable person to be with

I am slowly realizing how comfortable I am with my "new life". It's become part of me instead of this "extension" of me. If that makes sense. Like, Lennon has always fitted us like a glove, but the whole DS thing just seemed like an extension, and it's becoming less and less of an extension and more of the whole picture. It's a progress... and I am ok with the results. Even on the hardest of days, I know at the end of it, we are better for it. It's a good feeling, this acceptance. Of course, having new and old friends to lean on who have been through similar situations is key. However, I am NOT comfortable is fat body. Ugh. Fat girl needs to leave and re-enter skinny girl. And now, a poem: (clears throat)

Skinny me, I scream and shout... drying, trying, clawing to get out,

Pound by pound, until I've won... battle of the bulge, until it's gone.

use·less

 - Adjective

[yoos-lis]

1.

of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing or futile:

It is useless to reason with him.

2.

without useful qualities; of no practical good: a useless person; a useless gadget.

When I am confronted with news of death and dispair... I become like a deer in headlights. I can encourage through a tough time, because I know it's temporary... but with death, I lose all train of thought. Recently, a friend lost her infant child and I had nothing to say except, "I'm sorry". I felt such guilt that my kids were healthy, I prayed and asked God, "why her and not me?" It just wasn't fair. I have had no answers from God, so far as to why. Just a "trust me, I've got this under control". My heart is still heavy with that burden. Now, my brother-in-law is losing someone dear to his family. A precious lady, by the name of Joy. Joy recently found out she had Acute Leukemia and within a few very short weeks has been put on "comfort care" until she passes. I just have no words. You would think, losing my dad at such a young age, I would cope with death better than I do. Instead, I clam up and get silent (which is unlike me) and I just hurt for them. And now, a hymn: (clears throat)
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.