Monday, March 21, 2011

Thoughts & Plans

Isaiah 55:8-11

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it."

My God never lets me down. Even in my darkest days, even when I am being "me", even when there really is no hope.... He always brings me back to His feet. I tend to relate more to Martha but I want to relate more to Mary. Sometimes, He just has to do what it takes to get my attention. I could get mad, and I have, but in the end, there is always a lesson. It's always worth learning.

On March 25, 1999 - I did a lot of drugs... a whole lot.

I had bulimarexia, and had been since 1993. (I had to look this term up... This is what I found: Bulimarexia totally wreaks havoc on a person's entire system. While both conditions are damaging enough in themselves, the inability to sustain either of the conditions individually puts the person's health in an extreme state of decline. Obviously, if a person has reached this state, getting professional help as soon as possible is absolutely essential. A person who has bulimarexia will bounce back and forth from the symptoms of one condition to the symptoms of the other. She will display some periods of restricting her food intake to nearly none, and some periods of stuffing in large quantities of food, removing it from her body afterward with purging. If she still has the physical strength to do so, she may engage in unreasonable degrees of exercise, believing that it will not only help her control her weight but will also help her to gain control in general. Bulimarexia is the absolute extreme in the person's sense of, and exhibiting, complete loss of control.)

I was what most would say "on my way to being an alcoholic". That night, I knew I was dying... physically and spiritually... I had done too much to my body over a long period of time. It finally caught up with me. I know I had escaped death many times. Only for the grace of my God did I survive. But this night, was different.

I have not shared this with many people. But I will share it today. I know some will laugh and say I am crazy. I know some will be confused. But I know that I know that I know, that this happened to me for a reason.

I used to go to raves. I would take as many drugs as I possibly could. I was a miserable and unhappy person and honestly I did not care if I died. There were thoughts of "Well, if I do, maybe someone will care about me now." Or even, "I wonder who would come to my funeral?" A few weeks prior to March 25th I was at a rave in NOLA. I had not taken any hallucinogenic drugs, but I had taken a lot of other things. I remember having a "bad" feeling. Like, the kind that tells you, "Don't go there." and you don't, then you find out that place was robbed at gun point that same day. That kind of feeling. That night, I went anyway, because I didn't care. I saw a guy toted off on a stretcher, with the rubber still wrapped around his arm from "shooting up". Thank the Lord, I never did that.. or any needles for that matter. Seeing him, was a sobering moment. I went and sat in the back row, all by myself. I had a moment to think about my life and the road I had chosen. I bowed my head in shame.... afraid to even speak God's name. I was ashamed of who I had become and I thought, there is no way He would forgive me, or save me from me. A single tear fell from my eye, and as it rolled down my cheek, I fought hard the flood of more tears. Then, I heard a voice. A man's voice.... stern, but kind. "Look around you." I looked around the seats of the Palace to see who was talking. No one was there. I even looked under the chairs. Yes, I thought, maybe I had taken something to make me hallucinate. But I knew I had not. Now, I had my head down in fear... I was shaking in fear. I heard it again, much kinder, but also more stern, "Look. Around." I slowly lifted my head hoping to see someone I knew talking to me. I opened my eyes. I saw everyone I knew on the dance floor, dancing away in their drug induced bodies. Each person had strings attached to their arms and legs, like puppets. Including the DJ. Above them, there was what looked like a demon. Laughing as he was "forcing" them to dance over and over and over... they couldn't stop even if they wanted to. I will never forget the looks on my friends' faces..... solemn and stone cold... no emotion. They looked completely miserable... they looked like I felt.

I never could shake that vision. I never want to. I know that voice was the voice of God. I had never heard it so audibly. I have heard it in a soft whisper, or a fleeting thought, when I knew I had done wrong or when I knew I needed to do something to please him... but NEVER had I heard it so LOUD as if He were sitting right there beside me. I have to this day, never heard it like that again. I was so shocked that He took the time to speak to someone so dirty. So unworthy. It was life changing. But I wasn't ready. I fought the urge to change who I was by doing more drugs, drinking more, and still I was unhappy with myself. I fought desperately to lose more weight. That battle led me to March 25, 1999. I won't go into details of who I was with or the drugs I had taken, but I knew I was in bad shape. That night, I remember going to a Monroe Moccasins Hockey game. At some point I lost all train of conscience thoughts and actions. I remember "coming to" at a stranger's house. On the table was a lot of drugs. I said "Where are we?" talking to my friend... and everyone freaked out and made us leave because I was acting so "crazy". We left there and she took me to my friend's house. My friend, instead of worrying about me, was mad that I didn't share my "stuff". I asked, almost begged, for him to take me to the hospital. No go. Instead, I was told to go to bed. I knew with what drugs I had taken, sleep was not an option. But I went to the bedroom to be alone. "To die". My heart was beating so fast, it hurt. My teeth were clinched shut I could barely speak. I had never felt this way before, in all that I had done. I had a weird twitch that I couldn't control. At that moment, I searched for something to cling to... and the only thing I could come up with was my grandmother. I remembered her telling me, "If ever you are faced with the devil, tell him to leave in the name of Jesus." Well, you can bet your bottom dollar I was doing that. I started praying in my head... and that prayer turned into a whisper... and in my spirit I saw a demon. A demon in my body. Struggling to keep me. That made me mad. How dare he fool me into this life. I said with all the faith and power I could muster up... "Get out of me in the name of Jesus! I do NOT belong to you! LEAVE my body in Jesus' name! I am a child of God!"

I promise to you right now on everything that I know.... at that very moment, I saw a giant hand like light come down into that room.... it landed upon my head and it was warm... it was so warm.... it grabbed the demon by his head, and pulled him out of my body. I saw it, and I felt it leaving, first at my feet and I felt it leaving in my very core up through my head. The giant warm hand, that looked like light, threw the demon and he was gone. I sat there in complete peace.... and I started laughing. A joy and peace had literally overtaken me and I could not stop smiling. God loved me. He still loved me, in spite of me. I sat there, with a smile and tears rolling down my face.... and I was stone cold SOBER. I laid down, and I went to sleep, and I slept for 12 hours straight.

March tends to be a celebratory month for me.

March 26, 1999 - I gave my life to Christ forever

March 23, 2006 - I gave birth to my first little gift, Preston Lake

March 24, 2010 - I gave birth to my second little gift, Lennon Vale

Now I add March 21 ... I celebrate World Down Syndrome Day

Only He knows what I will celebrate in this month later on in my life. I am anxious to see where He will lead me next. I am sure at some point I will put up another fight, and I pray that I give in, because I know it will be worth it.

I hope I have not scared you, or made you think I am a weirdo. After I read the book "Heaven Is For Real"... I could related to what the boy said about God, being like a light. That is how I have seen and felt Him. Since I read that book, I just can't shake the feeling that I was supposed to share this. I pray my story blesses someone and helps them muster up the faith they have to allow Him to change them, for good. He has a plan for you and it is a plan for good and not evil. He planned on me being Charlie's wife, and Lake and Lennon's mommy. The plan is not finished. It's barely begun.