Monday, January 10, 2011

Dream A Little Dream

"Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn. I need to know who and what I am. This hunger jolts me from complacency. It rocks me, it makes me meet myself. Jacob walked a limp to remind him, of the Greater Gift of the Greater One. But when I fell, I fell to my own resources. How can I carry the truth if I can't crawl to You?" - Closer to Myself by Kendall Payne

Sometimes, I like old songs that remind me of where I once was and where I came from. Sometimes, I need old songs to do that again. I am a "lyrics" person. Lyrics can completely revolutionize me.

Sunday started great. We had a little bit of snow and sleet, church was cancelled, and my car was still sitting at Cheddar's from the day before. The battery died while I was at lunch with the girls on Saturday and Charlie was out of town. So yesterday, we drove up to Cheddar's to jump-it-off and bring the sick sad SUV home. Lennon had a doozie of a day. Not sure what was going on with her but she did not want to sleep all day. Just cry... and scream. She had 100.2 fever two days in a row. All that screaming, well, it makes for not a fun day. Anyways, by nightfall, she was fast asleep, so my Booger, Charlie and I popped some corn and plopped on the couch all snuggled together to watch "A Bug's Life". I love these times, where Lake gets our undivided attention. He is so deserving. He fills my heart to brim!

After the movie, I fixed Lennon a bottle and headed to my bug's room. There in the dark, I scooped her quietly into my arms, so's not to wake her. I sat gently into the rocking chair and fed her a bottle. She drank until it was empty and then I propped her sleeping body up on my chest to burp her. The only thing I heard was the sound of sleet lightly tapping the window and the creaking of the rocking chair as she gently kneaded my skin with her tiny fingers, putting herself back into a deep slumber. It's moments like that that make me cry. So silly, I know. I sat there rocking with with my eyes squeezed so tightly, fighting the tears from falling on her face. Her warm baby soft face was pressed against mine and I smell the sweet lavender on her skin. I cried because I am overwhelmed with love. I just cannot contain this love for her. It overtakes me every time. So I sat rocking for a long while. I didn't want it to end but I was sleepy.

Last night, I repeated the above feeding, as it is a ritual I enjoyed even through Lake's infancy. Then, I joined my Charlie and headed off to sleepy land. There, in sleepy land, I had a dream. A revelation about myself. I dare myself to speak the dream, but I feel it had a significant meaning if I really dig deep. So many times in scripture did God give his people dreams. It was His way of speaking to them and teaching or even warning them. I believe He does the same to us. We have to be open and ready to receive what He wants to tell us. How blessed are we that He cares that much?!

In my dream, I was looking at a fresh cut starting to scar on my stomach. I remembered I had a surgery to have my "tubes tied" so that I could not have more children. I looked up from my hospital bed and saw my mother. She was also there on a hospital bed. I remembered something about a cancer being removed. She looked very tired but hopeful. I was scared as she told me, "The doctors think they got it all out." At that moment, Sarah Palin came in the room and told me that my surgery went well and everything should be fine. I was confused, was she the Dr? She also told me very nonchalantly, "The cancer has also been removed, and we are hopeful about your recovery." I explained to her she must be talking about my mother in error, and I pointed to my mom, but she was very stern in her reply. "NO, you are the one who had the cancer." I was stunned to silence. I could not fathom what kind of cancer I had. Or why I would have had it? I wanted to see my children, my husband... where were they? I was starting to panic but my mom told me I should rest while I could. So I did. Then I woke up to Lennon crying on her baby monitor. I didn't have a lot of time to analyze the dream because I had to get up and help her back to sleep. So this morning, the dream is still in my thoughts.

I feel like God is trying to tell me something about myself. Not about a deadly "cancer", but that the cancer in my dream symbolized something unpleasant in my life that needed to be removed. Once it is removed, it is going to leave a scar, but the scar would be a constant reminder to me of where I once was. It would also remind me that I had a purpose on this journey and to always look ahead, but be thankful for the past. I feel like Sarah Palin was there in my dream as a symbol of a strong woman, facing the fears of Down Syndrome telling me it was going to be alright. I also feel she was there because this journey has a lot to do with Down Syndrome. As for my mom... I believe she was there as a reminder of my insecurities. Unless you know me or my past or my childhood, that won't make much sense... and I am not going into that on here. Not now. But I do have a lot of insecurities that I believe stem from my childhood. Heck, I think we all do if we're honest.

So as I sit here typing, tears are falling down my face. I don't really know why. Maybe I am once again overwhelmed. Maybe it is the fear of the future. Maybe it is the realization of the future. I have never been one to demand attention. I do not like to be the center or to be pointed out, whether it is for good or bad. I just don't like it. I never was a dancer, or a cheerleader, or the star of any team or play. I liked being in the background, just being there. It was safe there. No one could judge you, or critique you if you didn't put yourself out there. But now, I feel like I have to. There He is, inside me, inside my heart, pushing me, pushing the envelope. It scares me to death. I pray for His will and for my insecurities to vanish. I know they will... eventually. As long as I continue to push myself. It is not going to be easy, but I can do it.

I don't have any other choice.