Monday, February 28, 2011

Rivers and Roller Coasters

Lots on my mind tonight. What better to do when I have loads weighing me down? Blog.
Blogging for me forces me to look deeper. Sometimes it forces me to read scriptures, and search out answers, and even when I cannot find answers... at least I can find peace.

Finding Peace... Peace Like a River
This song came to mind when I typed that... allow me to quote the first few verses, if you would.
Kinda sets the tone, or mood.. you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

That song has carried me through tougher times that I ever imagined I would walk through.

When I think of the phrase "Peace Like A River"... I don't immediately think of a calm serene scenic view where fish swim and frolic in the water, darting up and out, creating ripples. I almost always, think of rushing waters, raging against harsh cold stones and huge rocks, white capping and slamming into boulders. I can't imagine a single fish enjoying that. Then, I think of myself, forced in the middle of that madness without a boat... nothing ... not even a life jacket keeping me afloat, as I fight for my life, hoping with all that is in me to make it through to those scenic waters. The peace part? Well that is what I have during that whole struggle. Knowing that this very experience is going to make me stronger. Make me a believer. The fight is going to force me to face demons that haunt my mind and fight to take my thoughts captive. Where can I find this peace? Digging in, clinging to any promise He has given me... as if it were my last breath. I might even have to hold that last breath longer than I would have ever dreamed I could have held it. But, it's all I have. After all, I can't just give up my last breath. Where's the fun in that?

I'm figurin' life is like one big roller coaster. You have the highs, the lows, the twisty turns, taken at alarming speeds. Then all of a sudden it stops. I knew when I made the decision to surrender all, it would be a tough ride. But I, being the adrenaline junkie I am, love a good roller coaster. The lows, not so much. I mean, lets face it... the lows are no fun, it's all about the climb (right, Miley?). The anticipation of what is to come... And when you are there, at the top, you can see everything so clearly, everything looks so small now. It's that moment of clarity and peace. That scenic view that takes your breath away... and that is when the bottom is jerked out from under you. Then all of a sudden, abruptly, it's over and the ride has stopped and you are left thinking "Wow, I made it through, and I didn't puke!" I am also figurin' God is like my safety bar. He's holding me down, firm in place during my struggle. He's keeping me safe... and a lot of times sane. I kind of laugh when I think about how much worse it could be... and then I picture Him sweating, working double overtime to keep up with me because I keep throwing him curve balls. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I over analyze and think too much and before I know it all I can see is a loose screw and rickety old frame about to collapse at any moment plunging me to my death.

When I force myself to calm down, get in my zone and turn to the truth... that is when I find that peace lasts so much longer than a few seconds atop of some rickety old roller coaster. So yeah, sometimes I have to search harder than others to find that peace that passes all understanding. And sometimes I have to look even harder to find the silver lining everyone talks about. But, it is there. It's just waiting for me to find it... and when I do, I will not let go.


kaitlynceleste said...

wow, i do say that you're rushing river=peace visual has made me contemplate many things and previous perceptions of peace.
awesome blog.

tarynddavidson said...

thank you :)