Thursday, October 28, 2010

Throw Up Your Deuce-Deuce

"Mommy... if Jesus is in our heart, can He get out?" - Lake
"No. If you have invited Him to live there, He is there forever." - Me
"Yes, He can. He comes out when you share." - Lake
"This is true. You are too smart!" - Me
(insert smiling 4 year old little boy here)
I swear, he was setting me up.

Man, he gets me every time. Just when I think I have this mommy thing figured out, Lake throws a curve ball and I realize he might be smarter than me. He really amazes me and challenges me in more ways than one. I don't mean the challenges that make you second guess your parenting tactics - those are a given. Challenges that make you look at your life and go "Man, I am doing this life thing all wrong." Good thing God gives us do overs. Nothing is in stone, just yet. So every night I lay down for bed, I ask for forgiveness and ask that if I am given tomorrow, may I please start over. So far so good.

I read this blog tonight, that stated the very thought I had driving home from the Buddy Walk the other day. Which was, "This whole extra chromosome thing, has it's perks. More than I expected for sure. But the one major thing that really rocks is that, I love kids. I love loving kids. And Lennon will be a "kid" at heart her whole life and I get to be right smack dab in the middle of that. I get to be a kid myself forever because of her and her youthful spirit. She is like my very own Fountain of Youth." Dang, I am one lucky chick.

I know what I want to get everyone for Christmas and yes I am going to tell you so if you are family, skip this paragraph and do not click on this link!!! It's the cutest calendar ever. Talk about brightening your day every day. A Down Syndrome calendar of kids by a photographer in Germany..... I will visit her one day and I will have her take pics of Lennon and Lennon will be in her calendar for all the world to see. It's just a matter of timing and money.

OK, here we go... the blog I have been wanting to post but get scared every time I try. Like, I don't want to say the wrong thing or the right thing in the wrong way. I just want to be real, like I always have. I don't always do the right thing and I never claim to be perfect... but this is really hard to talk about. I will just be honest.

The Buddy Walk.

I was scared, I won't lie. And I had every reason to be. I knew it would be hard and I knew it would be fun and I knew it would be weird and new and exciting and scary. But, I didn't know how scary. I have to first say that I was so impressed with the 10 year old girl with DS who spoke in front of all those people, on stage, with a microphone, as if she were born to do it. I cannot even speak in my office staff meeting without wanting to cry because of my insecurities. I literally have to work myself up to it and then fight back the tears when it is my turn to say anything. She inspired me is such a pathetic excuse for a compliment when referring to her. And when they called all the parents with DS kids to the front, to stand at the bottom of the stage, I nearly peed my pants. Out of fear. I do NOT like people staring at me. I do NOT like being the center of attention, you see. I do not like being in front of crowds to stand, I do NOT like it, Sam I Am. But I dealt with it. I put on my big girl panties, the comfy ones since I have yet to lose this baby weight, and I did it. I stood there. I did not cry. That is, until the mom read it. Now you might be wondering what the "it" is.....
It started with me making us t-shirts.... Lake, Charlie and Myself... T-shirts that look like this...

And this was written underneath her picture (taken by Heather of Two Suez)...

Psalm 139:13-14... For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows that very well.

And that is when I knew.
Because I remembered this vision that He gave me on June 6th 2010:
On the way home from getting the pizza, Charlie said, "I thought of Lennon today when Brother Tom gave a scripture in his message." I said, knowing I was about to cry because I am an emotional idiot when it comes to my kids, "Oh really? What scripture and what did it say?" He answered, already having it pulled up on his iPhone, "Psalm 139:13-14... For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows that very well." I sat with tears rolling down my face as we rolled on down the road. Charlie started laughing, "Are you crying?!" I said, laughing as well, because we both know how emotional I am, "Yes!" Then, Lake said, "Why are you crying?" I said, "Happy tears, booger. They are happy tears."

I was crying because, I was picturing Lennon, a teenager, in her bedroom, sprawled out on her turquoise painted iron bed... the bed I painted for her... fashion magazines laying around, some open and some not... her radio going and her foot bobbing to the music. She is reading her bible. She is reading this scripture to herself, as she questioned why she was the way she was. I didn't picture her sad, I pictured her smiling and reassured, with a peace in her heart. That made me so happy, thinking of her loving herself just the way she was, just as we love her, and just perfectly made the way God wanted her to be.

I knew this was for me. This day was to show me my new life and all that came with it. He knew I needed reassurance. And I am sure He knew I was going to cry right there in front of everyone. I held them back as hard as I could, fighting it.... widening my eyes, moving my eyes to and fro... not looking directly at anyone, trying to think of things that made me laugh or made me mad or made me think of anything except crying. But alas, I failed. Quite a few tears fell. But none like the ones that came once we were at home, once the kids were in bed for the night, once I went into my bedroom and shut the door and laid on the bed in my pajamas in the fetal position. It was a cry I haven't cried in a long time.

I am still unsure as to what I was crying about. I am sure it was the overwhelming snowball of everything - of the future, of the present, of my past, of still thinking this might be punishment, of not understanding the blessing in it's fullest, of fully understanding the blessing in it's fullest and not knowing what I did to deserve it, of knowing I did nothing to deserve it just knowing He loves me that much. Just everything. And dang you would know it, I am crying now. It was just hard. Hard hard hard. I know all those moms felt this at some point so I feel somewhat justified in my pathetic wailing. But part of me feels guilty for being such a baby- you know, "Suck it up, Toots!"

Then there was the sheer joy of it... the joy of seeing little dark headed Noah running as fast as he could with the biggest smile I have ever seen. The sheer joy of little Lilly Kay squealing and jumping in delight with her long blond curly locks slinging around her. The sheer joy of Lennon getting any and every bit of the deserved attention she craves and loves.... smiling so hard her face had to hurt. To know her is to love her and I know her very much. There was just nothing like it. Nothing could beat that. Nothing even compares.

And every time I am asked, "How was the walk." I fight the tears still. I don't know if it will get easier... but I think it will. I mean, I never thought I would stop crying about my daddy leaving this world so soon, but I eventually did. "This too shall pass... " - I just keep telling myself that.

Then it does.... no, the tears still come, and they aren't all sad tears, "Some people cry when they are happy, right mommy?" (-Lake) Yes they do. Like today, when I picked up Lennon from her little school and her teacher was ecstatic because Lennon ate so well all day, and ate so well for her specifically. That is when you just gotta give God the props, you know. Throw up your "deuce-deuce" to the man upstairs out of flippin' relief. I am starting to see it... The light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel is starting to get bigger and brighter. Lennon is getting stronger and smarter, and she is doing so many new baby things. To Him be the Glory.

Now if everything else in life would just get on board.