Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Anything and Everything

"My love isn't a weapon, it's a lifeline; reach out and take hold, and don't let go."
— Francine Rivers (Redeeming Love)

What a great book. I was reminded this week of who I am in God's eyes. That in itself can be a very scary thought, depending on how you view yourself... or how you could view yourself. I was thinking back on the days I spent in the hospital... when Lennon was born... when we found out. And still it's still like it was yesterday... when I sat and cried so hard I bled from my nose. I just knew God was finally dealing me the hand I deserved. I had no ace in the hole this time. I just knew He was getting me back for all the harm I had done. All my sins bound together in one bundle and served to me on a silver platter. I wish now I could take it all back... I wish now I had the chance to go back to that time and love on her with a sensible mind. With all I now know. But the past is the past. And in the past it shall remain.

But here in the present, I look in her almond-shaped sweet blue eyes and all I see is love. I not only see her love looking at my love, but I see His love looking at me. Looking deep into my heart of hearts. Showing me things I never thought possible. Things like, forgiveness and what's really important in life. He never ceases to surprise me.

"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes." - Bill Cosby

Oh Bill, we miss a wholesome TV show. It's so funny sometimes, the things I do as a mom that probably sound so stupid and corny - but when I do them with Lake or Lennon, they make all the sense in the world. I love to sing to them... even after Lake says, "Mommy, you sing bad." I sing songs he knows, like Michael Jackson hits or King of Leon, and sometimes kid's church songs and he wonders how I could ever know that song. I sing in accents from around the world and he tries to mimic me - he does a really great Indian accent, by the way. I forever sang to him about wearing diapers: "Diaper Diaper Diaper Dan. Wearin' his diaper the best he can" or about waking up, "I woke up one morning, just about the break of day... Jesus came and He touched me and He washed all my sins away!" And now I sing to her, "You're my little bug drop short and stout, I love to kiss you on your spout. I don't wanna hear you cry or pout, I pick you up and love pours out." Or when I would stand them up in my lap, hold their hips and wiggle them singing Ricky Martin's "Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon!" Parenthood definitely has it's perks.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. " - Elizabeth Stone

Today she is but a few days from being 7 months old. As a parent you can't wait to "grow them up". When will they roll over? When will they cut teeth? When will they crawl, walk and run? And when they do it, you want to snatch them up and tell them "No no! You are growing up too fast." Because you know the times when your bedtime snuggles with your booger or bug have now been replaced with late nights, standing in the once-the-bedroom-of-your-booger-or-bug-who-is-no-longer-a-baby-but-a-newlywed are just around the corner. And you just want to hide them ... maybe those days will tarry a bit longer. They just grow up too fast.

I hate that I cannot be there every second of their day. I have never understood working moms. I don't understand not having the drive to be home and experience all the firsts together. To build things and craft things and glue things and paint things. To explore the backyard and have picnics under the sun with a cool breeze blowing and a short little giggly toot slurping on a box of apple juice sitting next to you. I have this fear Lennon will say mama to one of the therapists or her nursery worker before she says it to me. It will break my heart into a million pieces... because to be honest, they see her more than I do. She wakes at 6am - I leave for work at 7am. I am home by about 6pm - she is in bed by 7pm. Two hours a day. That is all I get. And for people to wonder why I don't return texts or calls or emails or heytells.... it's because by that point, reality of my busy life has set in and I look around at a filthy house and that is when I know, I do not have it all.

"Fear is just your feelings asking for a hug." - Danielle Sanchez-Witzel, (My Name is Earl)

"This human is going to look different than the other humans I draw," he said. He was telling me about the man with muscles he was going to draw. He is so funny with his choice of words... speaking as if he were a robot or alien. I was telling Charlie about how our booger had the lady in the Optometrist's office laughing today. Partly because of his crazy messy hair today and partly because, well, he is funny. On the way home, he asked if we could go to the Zoo on Saturday and I told him no because we have the Buddy Walk for Down Syndrome Awareness.

There it is again, the opportunity to tell him about his sister and how she is a bit different... the same, but different. But I don't do it. Why? Because I don't want him to look at her any different. But I do want him to be "aware". Oh the irony. Plus, how do you explain to a little brother that there is a whole walk - a whole day - dedicated to his sister, and people like her.

It's our first Buddy Walk and to say I am a bit nervous is putting it lightly. I don't know why, but it scares me a little. Like, this little bit of anxiety and breathlessness takes over me and I cannot breathe for just a second. I guess it's the reality of the new life we have and the seeing what lies down the road thrown out there in plain view... just slapping us right in the face. I am never around anyone with Down Syndrome. I don't know what to expect. And the not knowing is scary. I do know however, there will be tears... sweet happy tears, because I know I am going to meet some of the happiest people, the happiest children, I could ever imagine meeting. Thinking about that, just brought a smile to my face.

Smiling through tears. That is about how I live life these days. I am not sure why, but I cry all the time... it's not always sad tears. Everything makes me cry. It's like a gazillion tons over-emotional tears have been stored up in the clouds of my scattered brain and now those clouds are too full. If I am happy - tears. If I am scared - tears. If I laugh real hard - tears. If I am angry - tears. It's really weird, and I am not used to it. Frankly, I am sick of tears. I want to feel normal again. But then again, what is "normal". The Good Lord knows, I have never been that. So I put on my happy face and I put on my rain boots and I say to the world... bring on the rain.

I figure at this point I can handle just about anything..... and then anything happens.