Sunday, May 30, 2010

Running Like Crazy

Sitting here with my kiddos and my husband, trying so hard not to hold a piece of ice to my coffee scalded tongue. You would think my tongue was one big callous, seein as how I have scalded it infinity x 100 times on hot coffee. One day I will learn not to guzzle my coffee. I don't know why I drink my coffee so fast. Actually I drink everything fast. Come to think of it... I am always doing everything as fast as I can and I have no idea why? I am not on a time schedule. I am not in a contest. I always feel rushed. I am always on edge. My heart rate is always up, even Charlie noticed the other day when we were snuggling/relaxing, that my heart beats faster than his at resting pace. Things that make you go hmmmmm....

I get so annoyed and tickled at Charlie and my eating habits. He will almost ALWAYS leave one tiny bite. Like, if he takes ONE more bite he will explode. One green bean. One scoop of rice. One half of a chicken nugget... it doesn't matter what it is, he always leaves one bite. It drives me crazy. I, on the other hand, will eat every bite even if I am as full as a tick.... as in, there are starving kids in Africa - Eat, woman! Eat! Don't waste food!! I drive myself crazy.

Ok, so, I have said it before, and I will say it again... well, that is not completely true, Clint Black actually sang it; But I do agree with it! "Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory, take you to another place in time, and completely change your state of mind?"

Well, this past week this song has been on my mind. It's really random that I have this song in my head, because I am pretty sure I have not heard it in at least 10 years or more. I heard it when I first gave my life to Christ. So today, I downloaded the song, sung by the lady I remembered singing it at my church years ago. As I listened to it, everything came flooding back into my memory. I literally got chills, thinking of who I used to be and where I came from. I could remember the exact spot I was sitting in church. I remembered my hair was short blond and I was much thinner. Emphasis on the "much". I remembered hearing the lyrics for the very first time. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. It was exactly how I felt and I was overcome with emotions, that someone could sing something so powerful. It was not a coincidence I was in that church, that night, with that lady, singing that song. It wasn't just happenstance. I believe it was supposed to happen. I remembered being so humbled in the presence of God, it moved me to commit fully to Him all my fears, and confess all my sins. Even the things I had tried so hard to hold onto for so long, mostly because of my pride... and a little bit of ignorance.

Most days, it seems, something else comes along and wants to steal my happiness and my faith. I will be completely honest, it's a battle for me to believe wholeheartedly some days. But, on those days when I am battling, I really just need to run to God... literally RUN to Him and throw myself at His mercy. Just completely make a fool of myself in His presence at His feet. My pride makes me feel like, "Hey God. Yes, it's me again, and yes I've got more baggage." I don't know why I do it to myself. I know we all do it. We all create this baggage we carry around from our sins. And for some reason, it's so hard to let it go, even if letting go is the thing we want most.

Eventually, I will get rid of this load completely. As I know, all too well, another load will come. Another load I created from my own sins. I just can't let it all pile up at one time, ya know?! It would hold me down. I know I do not want to stay in these moments forever. So, I need to be able to let go... even if it's a little at a time. Let go. That is when the healing begins. That is when freedom takes place. That is when chains are broken.

Now, like I said... I was humbled by these lyrics again today, and again today I ran. I threw myself at His mercy, believing He is the only one who can heal my wounds and take this heavy load I've created. I am giving all my fears to Him. He knows what I want out of this life. He knows my deepest desires. He knows all my secrets - and that scares me, a little! It might not all happen at once, but He will give me those desires and He will wash me clean, again. I do believe some desires of mine will come with a sacrifice. I just pray I am ready to make them when the time comes.

As I listen to this song... It is exactly how I want to be... It is exactly how I want to live.

Now, when you read these lyrics, you gotta do like I do (or it won't have the full effect), and picture yourself ... running, literally running... tripping over yourself, as you run like a psycho, desperate for Him and all He has to offer!

Yes, I am over dramatic... it's who I am. Deal with it ;)

Mercy Seat by Vicky Yohe

In the darkness, Where everything is unknown

I face the power of sin on my own

I did not know of a place I could go

Where I could find a way to Heal my wounded soul.

He said that I could come into His presence, without fear

Into the holy place where His mercy hovers near

I'm runnin'! I'm runnin'! I'm runnin' to the mercy seat!

Where Jesus is callin'

He said His grace would cover me!

His blood will flow freely

It will provide the healin'

Come runnin' to the mercy seat

I'm runnin to the mercy seat.

Are you livin' where hope has not been?

You're lost in the curse of a Lifetime of sin

Lovely illusions, they never Come true

I know where there's a place Of mercy for you

He said that you could come into his Presence, without fear

Into this holy place, Where His presence hovers near.

Come runnin' come runnin' Come runnin' to the mercy seat

Where Jesus is callin'

He said His Grace would cover you.

His blood Will flow freely

It will provide the healin'

Come runnin' to the mercy seat

I'm runnin' to the mercy seat

He said that you could come into His presence, Without fear

Into the holy place Where His mercy hovers near