Monday, May 10, 2010

Random Thoughts

.... as they come to me.

I took Lennon to a follow up Cardiologist appt today. Dr King said her heart sounds "great". Yay! He also said to keep her away from everyone ... don't even have her in the same room as others. He really doesn't want her to get sick this soon after her surgery. I pray God just puts her in the palm of His hand and makes a little cup over that hand with His other hand. Nothing will get through there and she will be safe. It scares me that Lake is going to school and bringing home germs. I have become a germaphobe! I Clorox the kitchen cabinets and knobs and fridge handles daily. I gotta remember to Clorox the remote controls and door handles daily. OOOoooh and my car ... oh it's probably a germ haven. They are probably spawning germ hybrids in there.

I bought Lake 3 pair of new pajamas. He was so excited about these ugly Sponge Bob ones. But I knew he would love them. Strangely enough, that bright hideous yellow looks good on him. The PJs wont last long because he is so tall. I might should have gotten a bigger size. Oh well. I am too lazy to take them back. Plus that was one Wally World trip to remember. It must have been "Show your belly fat Saturday". It was amazing the amount of free flowing belly fat walking around that place.

I wish I were the type of person to take everything with a grain of salt. I know that people mean well, but sometimes I just want to say "Shut up" and junk punch them. For example, I am sooooo appreciative of all the support and love and new friends I have made through finding out Lennon is Down Syndrome. I am no longer afraid of what I didn't know. However, what I don't need is people to point out that "she doesn't really look Down Syndrome" or point out other kids who are Down and compare the "look" to Lennon's. Because really, if she were the most Down looking kid in the world, she would be perfect to me. I just don't care about it and I really don't want to look at other Down children and see the Downs either. I want to see a beautiful child having a great time playing and learning new things. That is the thing I have feared from the beginning... that Down Syndrome would be what people see when they look at her. She is a growing healthy baby girl. Don't look for "flaws" in her. Don't look for differences in her. Don't compare her to other children. It really upsets me and by upset, I mean makes me angry. Ugh... now I am all fired up. Time to change the subject.

Lady Lennon and I have made yet another wonderful habit I don't intend to break. She is spoiled to being near me. Not necessarily in my arms... just near me. Every night, I wind down from the day by getting on the laptop. I sit on the couch and lay her beside me. She stares at me for a while and I talk to her and then she dozes off. As long as she is near, she is happy. That is how I feel about Jesus. I just want to be where He is. In His presence. We don't have to talk. Just be near Him. I feel safe there. It's very calming. I look down at her now and a big trail of drool is getting on the couch. She is way comfy. I hope when she is older, we have a great relationship, and that she wants to come sit near me on the couch and drink a mug of hot TANG and talk about her day and what she learned. Then when she gets older, we can drink coffee and talk about boys and work and vacations and dreams and fears. I get all teary eyed even thinking about those days. Just picturing her sweet little eyes lighting up as she talks and us laughing like best friends. That is what having a daughter is all about.

We leave Wednesday night to go to New Orleans for a post operation follow up. We will get to visit with Jaime and Sonny and we will get to see Cash. I am so excited! I laugh at how much I miss my "new" friends. Plus, no one else will drink hot TANG with me except Jaime! All you other people are missing out on greatness. I am going to bring her some Spiced Tang Tea! I know she will love it! I hope that we are able to get Cafe Du Monde this time around. We never did get to do that last time!

I think I want to wallpaper my bathroom.

I need to buy a giant canvas and paint something to go above my fireplace.
It is bare and driving me nuts.

I wish I trusted more. I don't, though. I also don't know how to allow people in, and believe they will not hurt me. I tend to let people in just far enough and when they are there I am waiting for them to screw up. Inevitably they will and then I am devastated. I dwell on it and make myself sick. It is definitely something I am praying about. I know I have faults and sins and I would hate it if someone looked at me just waiting for me to screw up. I feel like if someone had a visual of my heart, it would be a giant eggshell. Cracked and fragile. I trust God, and I know He has my best interests at heart, but no one else I trust. How do I know they have my best interest at heart? I am sure it all goes back to some point in my childhood and deep down I am wounded. Just one more thing for God to work on. I want to apologize to everyone, I tend to keep God pretty busy fixing me... But I am sure he has you penciled in somewhere.

OK so I am done rambling. These were just the things on my mind today. Sorry if it wasn't some profound eye opening experience and you feel as if you just wasted time reading this. Just think, you could have been in Wal*Mart counting exposed belly rolls instead.