It's nearly midnight and I am trying to wake from a deep 30 minute slumber. I say that with the utmost sarcasm.
It's been an eventful day, to say the least. My bug came home.. all the way from New Orleans, baring the scar that saved her life, and mine. She did really well in the car, only getting fussy right towards the end. We did have to miss Lake's weeball game because we were not home in time. Nothing makes me more sad than having to split myself into two for my kids. That is what I have had to do this past six weeks. Six weeks old yesterday... and that is how long my bug has been in the hospital. Wow. Hard to believe it's been that long. Hard to believe I have only slept in my bed 4 times that entire time. What will I do with myself without all the screamers and Kramers? I know you must be wondering what I am talking about....
Screamers are the kids in the hospital located in the rooms surrounding Lennon. Now, I know she had her share of screams. Like when they would take her blood and pull tape off her skin. But other than that, screams were limited. Some kids, and I have no idea what their ailments are, would scream all night long. Literally screaming and crying in pain ... I assume it was pain. Though, I cannot imagine something hurting that bad and no one giving medicine to knock them out... which leads me to think some might be over reacting and some might be just trying to annoy their parents enough to get their way about a tv station or snacks. Either way, everyone else in the hospital gets no real rest due to these screamers.
Kramers are the hospital staff that like to wait until the screamers calm down long enough to catch their breath or pee. During this time, everyone else falls fast asleep, or tries, because the silence will not last long. Kramers take full advantage of the situation by entering your room, be it for blood work, dinner / breakfast trays, trash can emptying, vital sign checking, and so on. But they do not enter the room as normal people.... with a slight knock and a slow turn of the door handle, making sure not to wake a possible sleeping baby or Taryn. Kramers enter the room as "Kramer" on "Seinfeld" did.... quick and nimble with a loud knock while opening the door, turning on the light, and startling everyone while raising their voice to announce to the world why the felt the need to enter your room at all hours of the night. Kramers never cease to 'accidentally' trip over something you left in the way - creating an even more dramatic scene. I personally could do without Kramers. Give me screamers any day. At least my mind can get used to a screamer and I can eventually block it out, but get me in a deep much needed sleep and throw a Kramer in there... someone is bound to get shot. (disclaimer: I do not own a gun nor plan on shooting anyone) The anticipation of going to sleep knowing a Kramer or Screamer will not be bothering me tonight puts my mind and ease and a song in my heart.
Speaking of songs.... so, here we are.... our new life has begun. Home from the horsepital with my little colt. Getting ready to start any therapy she will need to strengthen her muscles and teach her to do the things that will naturally come easy to most infants and toddlers. Cardiologist visits will be a top priority her entire life. I have no doubt some days will have me at my wits end but most days will bring more joy than I ever thought imaginable.
While Lennon and I had a few days to our self in the Pediatric unit.... I realized I would go all day without turning on the tv. I would sit and rock and sing to her. Mostly the same two or three songs over and over. I noticed tonight, that those songs have become kind of a ritual for my Bug and I. So tonight after Lake was in bed, and she had her bottle and a diaper change, I laid her on my chest... she was on her back so's not to hurt her incision. I turned on my ipod and started singing until she fell fast asleep, her face against mine. Then, a few minutes later when I ripped the tape from her chest to clean her wound and apply a new dressing, those songs were playing in her ear. I had my ipod playing beside her.... and to my surprise, she didn't cry a bit. She was listening to the music, "Savior I come, Quiet my soul, remember, Redemption's hill, Where Your blood was spilled, For my ransom, Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost, Lead me to the cross, Where Your love poured out, Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down, Rid me of myself, I belong to You, Oh Lead me, lead me to the cross."
Ain't it funny how a melody, can bring back a memory, take you to another place in time, completely change your state of mind? Man, I sound like a songwriter. But seriously, that happened to me tonight, while singing that song, I was reminded of the first time I heard it... two years ago on Easter. We sang it at church. We might have sung it before, but this particular Sunday came to mind... because I distinctly remember being in a dark place, and unhappy with my life and my walk with God. I wanted more and had no idea how to get it. I sang those lyrics "Rid me of myself" and I meant it wholeheartedly. Those lyrics became my prayer for a long time. And tonight I glanced back over the past two years. More things have happened to me than I care to share or ever will share on here ... and some things I have done that I am not proud of. Then there was Lennon.
I am finally seeing that God is honoring that prayer to rid me of myself.... at all costs. As much as I never would have asked for those things to happen, I can finally say, it had to happen. To bring me to my knees, and humble me. I am realizing each day that I am not exempt from anything... and to be honest, that scares me. However, those valleys are always surrounded by mountains, and the view from the top is spectacular... it just comes at a much steeper price than we'd like to pay... But well worth every penny.