As I sat and watched the tv and the news today, I was greif stricken and angry at what I saw. So much greed. So much crime. So much desperation. So little hope.
Lake and Lady Lennon have and will continue to change the way I view the world. When I had Lake, I became more aware of my surroundings, became a little more paranoid... basically I became a mother. Not necessarily my mother, because she is paranoid to the point of never getting on a plane or boat for fear it will surely end her life. (Yet, she smokes? I guess a slow suicide is better.) In the short while I have had Lennon, I have become more emotional, more loving, less materialistic. I know this is only the beginning to all I am going to learn through the eyes of my children.
The day I was driving to New Orleans, following the ambulance that carried my 5 week old daughter, I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends. She asked me, "Will you tell your children about your past drug abuse?" My answer was "No. I won't lie if I am directly asked, but I will not tell all, and I will not divulge any details." A few years ago, I was going to tell Lake everything, when he was old enough. Then it hit me. My dad was in an out of rehab before he graduated high school. I will leave it at that because I do not want to slander his good name. He was a great man, who loved me with his entire being. However, he loved drinking more. To the point of dying in a car accident due to his alcohol consumption. Since I was a child, as far back as I can remember, I knew my parents drank too much and consumed other substances when they were younger. I believe since I was subjected to these things, and to this knowledge of their actions, I became desensitized to the power these things can have over a person's life. I also never went through D.A.R.E.... but something tells me that hasn't stopped a lot of teens today. I think being subjected to these things made me think, without realizing I was thinking it, "Addiction, I am too strong for that. I won't get caught up in the heavy stuff." Little did I know, I am not exempt. I was strong enough, and smart enough, to pull myself out of that hole, but there are people that are not that strong. Actually, that is not true... they just don't realize how strong they are. Anyone can beat it.... where there's a will, there is most definitely a way. I chose God's will and His way.
I guess what I am saying is, I have to be careful of what I subject my children to. I want them to be sensitive to things... To be aware that they too, are not exempt. I want them to be a little paranoid. A little bit of paranoia and caution could save their life. Maybe my dad should have been a little more paranoid or a little more cautious. Maybe I should have taken my parents' life as a lesson of what "not" to do, instead of an example of what "to" do. "Why not? Mom and dad did it". However, when you are a kid, the only thing you want is to be just like your parents when you grow up. At least most kids do. I know Lake wants to be just like his daddy. He wants to play golf and build swing sets. He wants to be funny and make people laugh. He wants to be smart and know things. He wants to run like his mommy. (I say that with a hardy laughter, because I can't run further than the refridgerator these days.)
My children are little sponges, and it is my job as my kids' parent to guard and monitor what information they soak up. I have prayed, since Lake was in my belly, the same prayer. I will continue to pray this same prayer over Lake and Lennon until the day I die.
Lord, guard and strengthen their mind, so that they retain the things they should and block out the things they shouldn't. Lord, bless their ears, so that they hear well and that they hear Your voice above all. Lord, bless their eyes, so that they see You in every situation. Lord, bless their heart, so that they store Your Word in it, ready to recall it to memory as needed. Lord, bless their heart so that it longs after You and chases after You all the days of their life. Lord, bless their hands, so that they may do Your works and bring glory to You and Your Kingdom. Lord, bless their feet, so that they may follow in the footsteps of Christ all the days of their life.
I know that if there is one thing I do right in this world, it will be that I raised my kids to put Jesus first, above all. That the Lord's way is the only way. I know I am the most important example they will ever have. They will model their marriage after mine, they will model their life after mine. I just want to make sure I am setting the best example I can. If not, I have failed at everything.
Just a little of what I was thinking about today.