Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Complaining is My Forte

I try really hard to be positive, and trust God in everything. I am praying constantly for patience, because I am a very "in a hurry" person. Always have been. Today is one of those days I need God to just take control and write it in the sky so that I know what to do. I know everyone has days when they just don't want to pray or know how to pray. This is that day for me. Lots on my mind. Lots of frustration. Sometimes I really despise perseverance. Why can't things just be easy? When I asked for a break, I didn't mean my iPhone screen.

Lennon is so congested in her nose. I use saline to suck out the crud almost every two - three hours during the day and night. Went to the doctor for her 2 month check up. She looks good and getting big except this drainage crud. I have her under a humidifier during naps and at night. I even started using Vick's to clear her for a good breath. She breathes out her mouth most the time, so I am sure her throat is a bit sore. I think this, because when she eats, she won't eat more than an ounce before she starts crying, then it's like fighting her tooth and nail to get one more ounce down. I am mixing formula, breast milk and rice cereal to get her calories in. Luckily, it has not affected her stomach too much. A little more gas than usual, but she's doing well with it... thanks to a little Milacon. She seems so happy even though I know she is miserable. Bless her. It exhausts me to get her to eat though. At night, she is zonked out and it is almost impossible to get her to even suck or swallow she is sleeping so hard. I AM EXHAUSTED every time she eats.

The Drs have told me that a lot of Downs babies end up getting the G-Tubes in their stomach so the parents can dump the food in, when they won't eat. As much as I have been against another operation or tube, I am slowly seeing the benefits to this. She is lazy, and that is part of the Downs. She doesn't want to eat, which is also normal. When she does eat, she eats really well, it's mostly just a matter of waking her up - which is VERY hard. I feel like a bad mom for wanting this tube, but seriously, it would make life so much easier. Then I feel bad for wanting the easy way out. How am I supposed to go back to work in a few weeks, worrying if she is getting fed enough? I know that her daycare people will do what they can to feed her, but no one will try as hard as me. Even my mom gives up after a few mins, "She wouldn't eat". Well, that is not acceptable, try harder! Ugh! This kind of stress leaves me in tears!

My house is a disaster, because the few free minutes I have during the day, after changing diapers over and over, sucking her nose out over and over, burping her over and over (which takes FO-EVA), feeding her over and over, dishes, laundry, picking up Lake's messes, trying to make myself some breakfast and lunch when I can, trying to spend time with her / loving on her as much as I can because these days are numbered.... those few free minutes I have... Who wants to clean?! I need some ME time. I hate a dirty house, it puts me in a bad mood.

Speaking of ME time... I was on bedrest from January until I had her in March. Then I spent 7 weeks in the hospital with all her issues. Only to come home and be bound to the house on quarantine for 6 weeks minimum. Thankfully I have a very sweet and dear husband who will gladly take over and let me go out and about every now and then. However, this cabin fever is really getting to me.

I have a lot of other prayer requests I have thrown out to God, and He hasn't answered yet. One is for a peace about going on this vacation with my husband. Bless him, he has worked SO HARD all year to make President's Club. With making this club, comes a paid vacation for him and his spouse (that's me). The trip is to Cancun! Woo hoo!! The trip is also in August. Boo! I am so completely torn in my emotions about being 200% ready to go vacationing with my husband and leaving my newborn who just had heart surgery. I mean, it's not like we will be in Gulf Shores. We aren't even going to be IN THE SAME COUNTRY! It scares me to death. I know her heart is perfectly fine and I have nothing to worry about. It's just leaving my baby and I just got her home. Ya know? I know this is normal for any mom but it literally brings me to tears every time I think about it. I am hoping when we get there, I will be so excited about my toes in the sand that I will finally get that peace of mind. However, thinking about myself in a swimsuit, makes me want to throw up my food. Zumba DVD's - hurry and get to my house!

Even after all that, I have about 100 more life altering prayer requests I am still looking for guidance in. I just wish God would give me a magic wand so that I could make them happen very soon. Or is it, that just maybe I just keep on praying because I don't like the answer God has given me?

I know, I know, "this too shall pass", so save your scripture for someone who doesn't read it. I just wanted to complain. I think I am allowed that because, dang it, I am human and I am pretty frickin positive most of the time.

1 comment:

Allenia Allen said...

Thank you for your honesty. You are probably one of the most real people I know. I have no advice or scripture to give you....just a ear ...well in this case eyes to read your venting. Feeling for you and praying for peace.

Lots of love - Allenia