Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I was crying because, I was picturing Lennon, a teenager, in her bedroom, sprawled out on her turquoise painted iron bed... the bed I painted for her... fashion magazines laying around, some open and some not... her radio going and her foot bobbing to the music. She is reading her bible. She is reading this scripture to herself, as she questioned why she was the way she was. I didn't picture her sad, I pictured her smiling and reassured, with a peace in her heart. That made me so happy, thinking of her loving herself just the way she was, just as we love her, and just perfectly made the way God wanted her to be.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
— Francine Rivers (Redeeming Love)
What a great book. I was reminded this week of who I am in God's eyes. That in itself can be a very scary thought, depending on how you view yourself... or how you could view yourself. I was thinking back on the days I spent in the hospital... when Lennon was born... when we found out. And still it's still like it was yesterday... when I sat and cried so hard I bled from my nose. I just knew God was finally dealing me the hand I deserved. I had no ace in the hole this time. I just knew He was getting me back for all the harm I had done. All my sins bound together in one bundle and served to me on a silver platter. I wish now I could take it all back... I wish now I had the chance to go back to that time and love on her with a sensible mind. With all I now know. But the past is the past. And in the past it shall remain.
But here in the present, I look in her almond-shaped sweet blue eyes and all I see is love. I not only see her love looking at my love, but I see His love looking at me. Looking deep into my heart of hearts. Showing me things I never thought possible. Things like, forgiveness and what's really important in life. He never ceases to surprise me.
"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes." - Bill Cosby
Oh Bill, we miss a wholesome TV show. It's so funny sometimes, the things I do as a mom that probably sound so stupid and corny - but when I do them with Lake or Lennon, they make all the sense in the world. I love to sing to them... even after Lake says, "Mommy, you sing bad." I sing songs he knows, like Michael Jackson hits or King of Leon, and sometimes kid's church songs and he wonders how I could ever know that song. I sing in accents from around the world and he tries to mimic me - he does a really great Indian accent, by the way. I forever sang to him about wearing diapers: "Diaper Diaper Diaper Dan. Wearin' his diaper the best he can" or about waking up, "I woke up one morning, just about the break of day... Jesus came and He touched me and He washed all my sins away!" And now I sing to her, "You're my little bug drop short and stout, I love to kiss you on your spout. I don't wanna hear you cry or pout, I pick you up and love pours out." Or when I would stand them up in my lap, hold their hips and wiggle them singing Ricky Martin's "Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon!" Parenthood definitely has it's perks."Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. " - Elizabeth Stone
Today she is but a few days from being 7 months old. As a parent you can't wait to "grow them up". When will they roll over? When will they cut teeth? When will they crawl, walk and run? And when they do it, you want to snatch them up and tell them "No no! You are growing up too fast." Because you know the times when your bedtime snuggles with your booger or bug have now been replaced with late nights, standing in the once-the-bedroom-of-your-booger-or-bug-who-is-no-longer-a-baby-but-a-newlywed are just around the corner. And you just want to hide them ... maybe those days will tarry a bit longer. They just grow up too fast.
I hate that I cannot be there every second of their day. I have never understood working moms. I don't understand not having the drive to be home and experience all the firsts together. To build things and craft things and glue things and paint things. To explore the backyard and have picnics under the sun with a cool breeze blowing and a short little giggly toot slurping on a box of apple juice sitting next to you. I have this fear Lennon will say mama to one of the therapists or her nursery worker before she says it to me. It will break my heart into a million pieces... because to be honest, they see her more than I do. She wakes at 6am - I leave for work at 7am. I am home by about 6pm - she is in bed by 7pm. Two hours a day. That is all I get. And for people to wonder why I don't return texts or calls or emails or heytells.... it's because by that point, reality of my busy life has set in and I look around at a filthy house and that is when I know, I do not have it all.
"Fear is just your feelings asking for a hug." - Danielle Sanchez-Witzel, (My Name is Earl)
"This human is going to look different than the other humans I draw," he said. He was telling me about the man with muscles he was going to draw. He is so funny with his choice of words... speaking as if he were a robot or alien. I was telling Charlie about how our booger had the lady in the Optometrist's office laughing today. Partly because of his crazy messy hair today and partly because, well, he is funny. On the way home, he asked if we could go to the Zoo on Saturday and I told him no because we have the Buddy Walk for Down Syndrome Awareness.
There it is again, the opportunity to tell him about his sister and how she is a bit different... the same, but different. But I don't do it. Why? Because I don't want him to look at her any different. But I do want him to be "aware". Oh the irony. Plus, how do you explain to a little brother that there is a whole walk - a whole day - dedicated to his sister, and people like her.
It's our first Buddy Walk and to say I am a bit nervous is putting it lightly. I don't know why, but it scares me a little. Like, this little bit of anxiety and breathlessness takes over me and I cannot breathe for just a second. I guess it's the reality of the new life we have and the seeing what lies down the road thrown out there in plain view... just slapping us right in the face. I am never around anyone with Down Syndrome. I don't know what to expect. And the not knowing is scary. I do know however, there will be tears... sweet happy tears, because I know I am going to meet some of the happiest people, the happiest children, I could ever imagine meeting. Thinking about that, just brought a smile to my face.
Smiling through tears. That is about how I live life these days. I am not sure why, but I cry all the time... it's not always sad tears. Everything makes me cry. It's like a gazillion tons over-emotional tears have been stored up in the clouds of my scattered brain and now those clouds are too full. If I am happy - tears. If I am scared - tears. If I laugh real hard - tears. If I am angry - tears. It's really weird, and I am not used to it. Frankly, I am sick of tears. I want to feel normal again. But then again, what is "normal". The Good Lord knows, I have never been that. So I put on my happy face and I put on my rain boots and I say to the world... bring on the rain.
I figure at this point I can handle just about anything..... and then anything happens.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The gang left dinner to be decided upon me... so I chose my favorite Mexican restaurant, Blue Mesa Grill... I ate all the sweet potato chips and smoky salsa my heart and belly could handle. Shortly after we arrived, a friend from back home met us there and the five of us shared much laughter and many wise cracks until the waiter came to announce the kitchen was closing. That was our cue. Time to go. So we left and said our good byes... until next time. Though the night was young, alas we were not. We drove and drove and drove and drove, looking for trouble but trouble must have aged with us... and after much adieu about nothing... we opted for stretchy pajamas, sans the over shoulder boulder holders, and late night chats during a risky game of Go Fish amidst our hotel sheets. It was just what the doctor ordered.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Robin: What?! No.
Dr O'Boyle: Does she like the 60s? I think she might be a hippie.
Robin: I mean, her house is kind of retro eclectic? I mean, I don't think she's a hippie tho.
Dr O'Boyle: Yeah, that's what I thought. She's a hippie.
I am not sure if that is how it went... but that was basically the conversation between my sister, Robin and the PICU Dr at St. Francis. I laughed so hard because I was shocked. But the more I thought about it... the more it seemed to fit my personality. Come to think of it.... there is a lot about me that could be described as a hippie. Obviously there is a lot about me that also could not be described as a hippie... like I do shave my armpits and I do wear a bra.
I wonder if things like this have anything to do with our parents and the way we were raised. Like, my dad was big into music and I remember him playing it while he worked out on his VW Bug or his truck or while he grilled or while he was welding whatever new thing he was building. Maybe we just get stuck in an era? I mean, I was born in the late 70s. Maybe my soul still resides there?
Even in high school, I found a closet full of my aunt's old clothes and I wore every bit of it to school and I can remember my "friends" saying I was "the different one" or even calling me weird... but I didn't want to wear bell bottoms just on "hippie day". I wanted to butt cut my long hair and wear anything that reminded me of the 60's or 70's. I am proud to say I also owned a t-shirt with a big picture of Greg Brady on it. I wore a lot of tye dye and a lot of denim.
I still say "groovy" when I really like something.
Maybe that is why I fell so easily into drugs and that whole scene? I liked the big giant JNCO pants... they reminded me of bell bottoms, just an extreme version. I have always liked trippy looking things, like swirls.... I like the natural elements like flowers and wood. I prefer to be barefoot in grass. My favorite thing is to sit outside and stare at the stars and talk. I can still get into a deep deep conversation with someone about something and take it way beyond what most people would... trying to reason it out or find the root of what caused it to be that way.
I named my children "Lake" and "Lennon".... unintentionally thinking of it being hippy-ish. However, they both have that hippy element... Lennon for obvious reasons. My house definitely has that retro vibe with the blue walls and orange and green accents. Swirls and stripes and flower patterns... birds and trees and all things calming. I love old furniture, bought at garage sales and the Goodwill, redone with mild modern touches.
I believe the woman is made to be a mom and stay at home. I believe in tapping into your creative side as often as you can. I believe in color and lots of it. No beige here. I believe flowy cotton clothing is the key to happiness. I believe in climbing trees until you are too old to walk.
Even tonight, I started to make a play list of songs I wanted to listen to while soaking up the sun in Cancun. The songs that I chose... most, well almost all of them, are from the 60s and 70s. With artists like, The Beattles, Bob Seger, Steve Miller Band, The Mamas and The Papas, Lynyrd Skynyrd.... and so many more.... even the more recent artists that remind me of those artists made the cut. Creating that play list is what got me to thinking about all this... So... I guess, deep down, I just have an old soul. An old soul who is, and always will be, young at heart.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Soon, the sun was shining down on us as we approached the white sands...